Retainer Terror

OK, so file this story under "humor at the expense of your children."  Bear with me.

 

There are three houses in a row where we live, with families that spend a lot of time together because we all have kids from the ages of two to seven.  Tonight, it was ladies' night out, which meant that the men took care of the kids while the ladies went out.  To J.C. Penney's (or so they said).

 

So there we are on the front porch, entertaining the kids, waiting for the lightning bugs to come out, when some other neighbors come by.  Susan, and her 13-year-old daughter, Maggie.  They're good friends, and immediately start making "conversation" with Mia.  After a while, just for fun, Maggie decides to pop the retainer halfway out of her mouth, I guess to simulate fang-like teeth.

 

Mia FREAKS OUT.

 

I've never seen her so scared -- not even in the middle of a nightmare (which she has frequently). I tried to console her, and she would have little of it, pointing to the front door as she wanted to go inside. I carried her inside and she reached for the door on the way in, trying to close it behind us -- all the time SCREAMING with a wild look in her eyes.   Maggie, at this point, was crying herself.

 

So, thinking fast, I turn around and carry Mia back outside to the front porch despite her screaming, carefully keeping myself between her and Maggie.  I ask Maggie very loudly and clearly to please hand me her retainer so that Mia can see it come out of her mouth, which she does. Mia stops screaming.  I then hand the retainer to Mia to examine, which she eagerly accepts, calming down completely within a matter of seconds.  I take it back from her and hand it back to Maggie, who then hands it back to Mia again upon her request.  Mia then hands it back to Maggie, and it's over.  Maggie goes inside to wash the retainer off (Mia had been handling bugs -- those she's not afraid of).

 

And all is well.

 

Later, Linda (my wife) comes home and I tell her about the whole thing.  Linda is getting Mia ready for bed and casually talks to Mia about it while brushing her teeth in the bathroom, remarking that "you know, Mama has a retainer, too..." ...

 

...at which point, immediately, Mia freaks out again.  This time she's holding Linda's mouth closed with her hand, and even holding her own mouth closed.  Complete terror -- like she's seeing the devil himself.  Remember, Linda only said the word "retainer" -- didn't even pantomime anything mouth-related.

 

So, I figure I'd try the same tactic that worked last time, and walk in to the bathroom and reach into the medicine cabinet to retrieve Linda's retainer from its plastic case.  No problem.  I hand it to Mia, and she's fine.   We make sure to make it clear that this is not for Mia, only for Mama, and that nobody's got one in now (we all show each other the insides of our mouths). 

 

OK, so the terror in my child's eyes is not funny.  But the ridiculousness of the whole thing sure makes me chuckle.

 

Moreover, I'm fascinated by the level of terror this whole thing created on the front porch, and even more fascinated by the fact the second episode was triggered by the word "retainer," which she'd only heard once or twice while I was having Maggie hand it to me on the porch. Mia doesn't even speak English yet!  

 

Finally, Mia even needed repeated reassurance during bedtime story that none of us were wearing retainers (a word which she now pronounces quite well) -- including each of our three dogs and the two cats.  She even clearly told Linda to "say nyet," which Linda dutifully did.

 

The whole thing is pretty damned spooky, if you ask me. 

 

BTW,  I got new underwear from Penney's, so the ladies at least made a stop there...